Toastmasters - The Dynamic Introvert

Introverts Are You Dreading Going Back to Work?

By Lesley TaylorPosted on July 19, 2021Posted in IntrovertsTagged Fontini Iconomopoulos, Introverts, Myers Briggs, Negotiating, Toastmasters

Are You Ready to Go Back to Work? In a recent Washington Post article John Hackston, head of thought leadership at the Myers-Briggs Company stated, “Introverts are dreading return to work”. Of course many of us will be happy to reconnect with colleagues and friends who we haven’t seen for over a year. Despite this we still may have some anxiety around returning to the workplace we left more than a year ago. The pandemic has changed many things including our places of work. This is not a bad thing as now, more than any other time in history, employers are willing to consider accommodating the needs of workers. Take Control of Your Destiny! In my previous blog post I wrote, “Taking charge will mean deciding what works for you and then being ready and willing to negotiate with your employer.” If you are alarmed at the thought of negotiating a return to work on your terms, don’t be. Negotiation expert and author of Say Less, Get More: Unconvential Negotiation Techniques, Fontini Iconomopoulos, argues that the key to effective negotiation is the ability to listen, really listen, to what the other person has to say. And listening is something that introverts do well! Listening helps us see things from the other person’s perspective helping us to understand where they are coming from. This is the key to successful negotiations. Negotiating Tips from an Expert Listening to our boss is the first step. In addition we will want to consider the following tips provided by Iconomopoulos during a CBC radio interview this week: Clarify your personal values Demonstrate the benefits of what you are proposing (make it difficult for your boss to say no) Prepare for the discussion by practicing in front of a mirror or with a friend Create and anchor and have your anchor ready Iconomopoulos uses the anchor as a metaphor. When you are in a boat and you don’t want to drift you can drop your anchor to secure your position in the water. In the same way your anchor will help you focus on your bottom line during negotiations. Your anchor will most certainly include your values or what’s important to you. Knowing your values will help you set personal boundaries so you can say no to requests that create a conflict. Requests such as returning to work as it was prior to the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. Introverts Make Great Negotiators How do introverts measure up as negotiators? According to author Karen Burns, in a Seattle Times article, introverts make some of the best negotiators because… We listen We are comfortable with silence We do our research and are prepared To successfully negotiate you will also need to “find your voice” and speak up. The best advice I can give you is to join Toastmasters The aim of this non-profit educational organization is to help members to learn how to communicate. 350,000 + people in 143 countries around the world can’t be wrong. The program works! Just remember, negotiation is not about getting everything you want. It’s about finding a mutually beneficial solution for both parties. a solution that you can both live with!

Introverts Can Be Assertive Too!

By Lesley TaylorPosted on February 21, 2019Posted in IntrovertsTagged Assertiveness, Canadian Living Magazine, Introverts, Liza Findlay, Psychology Today, Randy J. Paterson, Toastmasters

INTROVERTS CAN BE ASSERTIVE TOO! Why do so many of us struggle to find the courage to speak up? Over the years I struggled to be assertive. For some reason I found it easier when I was defending my family or the people I worked with. Once I witnessed a man bullying another man in the hospital where I worked. I didn’t speak up and my lack of action haunted me for a long, long time. WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS? Assertiveness is the ability to “honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, in a way that doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.” According to Vancouver author and psychologist Randy J. Paterson, “assertiveness is a style and it is one of four styles which include passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive.” Being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive can have negative connotations. When we are too passive or too aggressive, we may find that our mental health suffers. These behaviors are associated with anxiety, depression and lack of confidence. We all use these styles at different times although most of us use one of styles more than the others. You probably have some idea of which style you prefer but if not Psychology Today provides a good test that you can use. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/tests/personality/assertiveness-test SUGGESTIONS FOR INTROVERTS Introverts are often seen as being passive because we tend to be quiet and often keep our thoughts to ourselves. If we can’t get our point across, we risk being ignored or worse, find ourselves the target of the workplace bully. In the recent issue of Canadian Living Magazine author Liza Findlay shared some thoughts on how to be more assertive in the face of discrimination or bullying, here are a couple of her suggestions: Speak up without saying a word. Non-verbal communication speaks volumes. Use assertive body language such as maintaining direct eye contact and keeping your head up. Use hand gestures to indicate “no” or “stop” and don’t forget to breathe. Focusing on your breath can be very calming Get Backup: Find allies, people who are also concerned about the same things you are and work together to raise your concerns. Does your company’s culture need a refit? Contact someone in the human resources department. Most organizations today are aware of the impact of bullying and want to avoid negative press. ASSERTIVENESS IS A SKILL THAT CAN BE LEARNED! It takes courage to speak up and there could be repercussions so be sure to weigh the risks. As with any skill assertiveness does get easier with practice. Toastmasters is a great place to develop your skills and find your voice.

Is Your Voice Being Heard? 5 Tips for Quiet Introverted Leaders

By Lesley TaylorPosted on June 20, 2018Posted in IntrovertsTagged Blurting, Communication Skills, Interrupting, Introverts, Karen Friedman, leadership development, Madeleine Albright, Toastmasters

Introverts are often described as being quiet and shy so it should come as no surprise to readers of my blog that introverts also struggle to express themselves in meetings and other large group settings. To make things worse many of us are also prone to ungraciously blurting out what we want to say. I believe that introverts are more likely to interrupt the flow of a conversation by blurting out their thoughts than extroverts are. And we do this because after we have spent some time thinking quietly about what is being said we want to share our ideas and because we haven’t learned how to interrupt gracefully (see below) we just blurt out what we want to say. So what’s an introvert to do especially one who wants to share her ideas and/or develop as a leader and get recognized for her contribution? One approach that may sound counter intuitive is learn to interrupt! That’s right! But many of us grew up believing that interrupting other people is rude. In the March, 2018 issue of Toastmasters magazine author Karen Friedman has some tips for those of us who would like to develop our interruption skills, starting with a quote from Madeleine Albright: “If you are going to interrupt, you have to know what you’re talking about. And you have to do it in a strong voice.” Fortunately Friedman’s article has some suggestions for how to do this. Here are 5 notable ways to interrupt politely: Start by saying, “please excuse me” before you interrupt Highlight what the last person said and then say “What do you think if we also do this or that?” Look for opportunities to ask a question or to clarify what someone else has said Put up your hand to signal that you have something to say Be prepared No. 5 is especially true at work. If you are going to a meeting or work related group try and find out as much as you can about what the main topic is going to be. This will allow you to think about what you want to say and strategize when you could interrupt most effectively. Good meeting facilitators will provide you with an agenda beforehand and if they don’t it is up to you to ask for one. Of course it’s not always possible to “be prepared” for everything that might come up during your meetings and that is why Toastmasters is such an amazing resource for introverts. Every TM meeting involves opportunities for members to answer questions and speak extemporaneously. In other words we get to practice speaking without any advance preparation. This part of the TM program is called Table Topics. The person in charge of Table Topics will introduce a theme and ask questions related to that theme. This is probably one of the most challenging aspects of learning how to speak in public. Fortunately it does become easier and it’s usually a lot of fun.

Can You Change Your Personality?

By Lesley TaylorPosted on February 10, 2018Posted in IntrovertsTagged change, Dr. Meg Arroll, Extroverts, Introverts, Myers Briggs, personality, Psychologies magazine, Toastmasters, U of Edinburgh

Can You Change Your Personality? Have you ever wanted to change your personality? Is it even possible to change who you are? New research indicates that our personalities do in fact, change over time. When I was younger, much younger, I was quiet and I lacked confidence. Once I got to college I realized that I wanted to be more confident and more like the students who were outgoing and who could speak up in class and get their ideas across. Those more extroverted students also seemed to be having more fun. As soon as I graduated and began working I made the conscious decision to change my personality although at the time I didn’t realize that this is what I had set out to do. I hadn’t heard of Myers Briggs and had no idea that I was an introvert not that this would have made much of a difference since in those days it was believed that personality was fixed and there was nothing we could do to change it. Now we know differently. Recently I picked up the January issue of Psychologies magazine. An article about personality by author and psychologist Meg Arroll caught my eye. In the article Arroll commented on a study recently published by scientists at the University of Edinburgh. The study, which is the longest ever to look at how our personalities change over time, started in 1947 when the participants were 14 years of age. In 2012, 63 years after the study began, U of E researchers contacted the original participants to do a follow-up and although only a small number of the original group agreed to be retested the findings suggest that we do become different people as we age. This is good news in that our personalities are not set in stone and can change over time. We may be predisposed to certain personality traits but we can make adjustments if these traits don’t work for us. Here’s an example. My friend Jim is extroverted. He talks a lot and dominates most conversations. Not only does he dominate he doesn’t appear to have any insight into how his behavior is impacting other people. This aspect of extroversion may or may not impede his career success but if it does he may want to consider changing his behavior so that he is more introverted at least some of the time. Being a good listener is considered more of an introverted trait and something that Jim might want to focus on doing more of. It will no doubt be difficult but it in the end it will improve his relationships and probably improve his job prospects as well. The not so good news is that changing our personalities takes time and concerted effort. When I decided that I wanted to become more confident in groups it took me a long, long time and 30 years later I still prefer to sit and listen to what others have to say. One way that I learned to boost my confidence was to actually teach classes or facilitate meetings. This allowed me to prepare and feel more in control of what was happening. Oh, and joining Toastmasters made a big difference. Toastmasters helped me to think on my feet something that many of us find challenging to do. Do you think we can change our personalities? What is your experience? Over the years I’ve read comments by introverts who resent feeling pressured to become more extroverted. But whether we are introverted or extroverted there may be times when we may want to change some aspect of who we are and now we know we can.

How Do Introverts Learn to Lead?

By Lesley TaylorPosted on December 31, 2017Posted in IntrovertsTagged Introverts, Leadership, leadership development, Quiet, Susan Cain, The Dynamic Introvert, Toastmasters

How Do Introverts Learn to Lead? Are leaders born or can leadership be learned? This is an age old question and one that Sarah Wilson is exploring as part of her MBA research. Sarah, who lives in the UK, found my book The Dynamic Introvert online and contacted me to see if I would be interested in participating in her research. In 2012 when I began exploring the topic of leadership there wasn’t a lot research specifically devoted to introverted leaders. At that time author Jennifer Kahnweiler had published her book The Introverted Leader and authors and researchers Adam Grant, Francesca Gino and David Hofmann had published their research into the strengths of introverted leaders. Since then a handful of research projects have been written up in academic journals but none, as far as I know, have looked specifically at the question of how introverts learn to lead. Sarah is interested in the “lived experiences” of introverts and so she asked me to complete a timeline identifying the people and events that had the greatest influence on my career. And as I completed the timeline and looked back on my career there were a number of things that jumped out at me: I had a lot of really great mentors. Very early on in my career there were senior leaders who recognized the potential in me and pushed me to step into leadership positions that I wouldn’t have considered if it wasn’t for their support. I was a “lifelong learner” and took advantage of every opportunity to develop myself as a person and as a leader. Sometimes the courses were provided by my employers but more often than not I paid for them out of my own pocket because I recognized the need to develop my leadership skills. Teaching and helping others was also important to me and I took every opportunity I could to mentor and coach my colleagues as well as students and others who were interested in learning with me. So, how did I learn to lead? Like most of us I learned through a combination of experience and formal education. One of the things that stood out for me as I worked on my timeline was this. I am a humble, quiet leader and I’m happy to develop and promote others. And the fact that I was an introvert didn’t prevent others from noticing my strengths and seeing the potential in me. Over the years I was offered a number of key leadership positions including social work leader and co-leader of a geriatric medical clinic. Of course there were challenges along the way as well. Challenges that I believe other introverts face: I probably spent too much time spent thinking on my own when it may have been more beneficial to talk things through with a colleague or just move into action. I didn’t find my “voice” until I was in my 50’s and I credit Toastmasters for that. Up until then I was invisible in a lot of groups and despite having great ideas I didn’t always get them across to the people who could have helped me to develop and implement them. I asked Sarah why she had decided to focus on how introverts learn to lead for her research project. This is what she said, “I chose the subject as after reading Susan Cain’s 2012 book, Quiet I was inspired to research and learn more about how someone becomes a leader if they are an introvert. My job role currently involves supporting the leadership team in local government and I found it interesting that mostly extroverts are appointed into senior leadership positions. “ So, as we come to the end of 2017 I’d like you to reflect on how far introverts have come since Susan Cain’s 2012 blockbuster book opened the world’s eyes to the challenges that many introverts face. And as we welcome 2018 you might want to identify your own leadership development goals or if you are in a leadership position consider how you might mentor or coach an introvert who shows potential and would appreciate you help. Happy New Year! All the best for 2018!

The Mysterious Introvert

By Lesley TaylorPosted on June 2, 2016Posted in IntrovertsTagged Extroverts, leadership development, Personal Development for Introverts, The Dynamic Introvert, The Mysterious Introvert, Toastmasters

The Mysterious Introvert Do you know any introverts? We are the quiet ones. We prefer our own company. And we certainly don’t like public speaking? Or do we? Introverts are full of contradictions. We often confuse people and sometimes we even confuse ourselves. What is an introvert you ask? When I started writing my book The Dynamic Introvert I discovered how little I understood introversion and how little I knew myself. My Awakening! Let me give you an example, a few years ago I worked on a management team for a large non-profit organization. One Monday morning Susan, the head of the physiotherapy department, stopped and asked me how my weekend had been. I paused to consider her question and then instead of responding to her immediately I had a conversation with myself, in my HEAD: I thought, “should I tell her about the hike I went on yesterday? or should I tell her about the dinner party I organized on Saturday? Or? All of a sudden I noticed that her eyes had glazed over and she was walking away. The fact that she walked away struck me as odd but it wasn’t until I started doing research for my book that the light bulbs started going off!!! It’s no wonder people are confused. For decades it was believed that introverts were in the minority, at least in North America, and compared to extroverts, we were described as: withdrawn, boring, unsociable, shy, not high in confidence, and self-centred. Who was deliberately spreading this inaccurate information? Was there a conspiracy? Ever since psychiatrist Carl Jung introduced the personality traits of introversion and extroversion to the world, about 100 years ago, we’ve been told that extroverts comprise a whopping two-thirds of the population. So in order to be successful introverts have tried really hard to act like extroverts; it seemed as if extroverts got all the breaks: the best jobs, the promotions and other opportunities. But in reality there are as many introverts as extroverts. Self-Preservation 101: (the introverted brain) Another thing you should know is that introverts are easily aroused. All joking aside it doesn’t take much for us to become overstimulated. Our brains are wired differently from extrovert’s brains. We have more blood flow and electrical activity in the “neo cortex”. When this happens our brains may “shut down” and stop functioning. A few years ago I was at a Toastmasters Evaluation workshop. In the morning we listened to some great speakers and in the afternoon we broke into small groups. In my small group I was told that I would be summarizing our discussion and reporting back to the plenary session. That’s when my difficulties began. I didn’t know it at the time but my brain was highly aroused by all the activity and noise in the room and I quickly became overwhelmed. We were in a LARGE, NOISY room and it seemed as if everyone was talking at once. I tried to write down the comments that people were making so that I could summarize them but the more I tried to focus the more my brain BUZZED until eventually it shut down. At least that’s what it felt like! Later on when I was asked to report on our group’s discussion, my mind went blank, and I stumbled over my report. I was mortified. Looking back I now realize that I should have excused myself from the working group and found a quiet spot to THINK and process all of the information that I had taken in. The Mysterious Introvert To some people we are mysterious but to others we are downright annoying. It’s fairly easy to know who the extroverts are. They are the life of the party…the person with the lampshade on his or her head surrounded by a circle of laughing friends. In contrast, the introverts are lined up along the wall looking like they would rather be anywhere else. Or is it the opposite? In reality an introvert is not always easy to spot. We may, in fact, be the life of the party. Pass the lampshade please! Where we really get into trouble is in the workplace. We drive the extroverts crazy because in meetings we don’t say very much and they have to try to guess what we are thinking. The extroverts feel that we are unprepared or simply don’t have any opinions, so they dominate more; and the introverts stop trying. And they may even disappear…in plain sight. But it’s not completely our fault. Blame it on our brains. When we take in a lot of new information we need to think about it before we discuss it. Extroverts have the advantage here because they process information by talking about it. One solution is to raise our hands and wait to be recognized, which doesn’t always work. Another is to join Toastmasters and find our voices! Introverts of the world unite indeed!!! This post was adapted from a speech that I gave recently at my Toastmasters Club.